Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
