I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
