my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Every concussion has its silver lining
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
