you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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