Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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