We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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