sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
