Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
