If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
