I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
