everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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