The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
