I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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