It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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