There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
