at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
