so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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