Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Come on in and take your pants off
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