I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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