Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
