guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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