He disabled his match.com account in front of me
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can I color on your dick again?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
