I faked an abortion last night.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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