The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm like, not good at living.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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