sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
