Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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