Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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