Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
