help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
