I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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