halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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