Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
