the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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