I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
