Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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