Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
