Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Someone came in the potted fern
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
