What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
