If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
