her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
