I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
