seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
