I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
