My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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