u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
