Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
