I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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