I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
