I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
