We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
