I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
