I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
