OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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