Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize