I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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