he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
