Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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