Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
