How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
