I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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