Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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