i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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