A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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