the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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